It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
