Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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