Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
