I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
