Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
