It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
that is very illegal...i love you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
