Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Thank you for not boning my boss.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
