So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
