Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
