Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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