it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
