before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
