1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
