"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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