I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
