She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
