I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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