considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
