TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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