Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
