There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
