Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
