I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
the liver wants what the liver wants
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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