when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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