Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
