I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize