She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
