Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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