Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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