Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
