please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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