It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
