dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
