I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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