She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
