that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
