She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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