??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
