i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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