8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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