i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
