Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
