i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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