Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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