You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
