My cat gives me a boner
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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