Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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