Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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