I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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