You're my little dorito
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
