I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
