Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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