Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
