I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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