the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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