i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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