I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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