I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You need a sexual gate keeper
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
