did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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