He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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