"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
